Archive for the 'I’d Drink to That' Category

Moving… Kind of

So basically I’ve had www.californiagirlinkansas.com redirecting y’all here for a bit.  Only now I’ve moved (kinda) and am hosting the blog myself, but at the same URL.

Nonetheless, if you click HERE, you’ll see what I mean.

Prepare yourselves.  ACGIK got herself a makeover and it’s fabulous.

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He Still Uses AOL

My dad is, well, kinda slow to catch on to the latest technological trends.

For the past 10 years, his various computers have essentially existed only as very expensive games of solitaire.

Recently, he has taken up email forwarding.  Remember when people sent forwards ALL THE EFFING TIME?

That’s my dad.  Stuck in 1998.

He also just learned to text message.

He’s rad.

Twigs and Berries

Disclaimer: Mom, skip this post.

So… I went to a male revue last night for my friend Kelli’s birthday. I have to admit that I was a little reluctant to go. I mean, I like a man for his sense of humor, ability to grill just about anything and make it taste good and his keen carpentry skills. Not for dancing around in a g-string with his little willy flopping about.

When I think “male revue,” I think Chippendales. Which in turn reminds me of working for BJC in Sacramento where one of our manufacturing reps used to be a Chippendales dancer and I couldn’t really look him in the eye without smirking and thinking of him wearing little other than a bowtie and some cuffs.

First off, the club hosting the male revue has the most ridiculous special ever. Get in free before 8:30 PLUS they give you $5. WTF. I still can’t get over this. Especially since they had domestic bottles on special for $1. I literally walked away with a buck still in my pocket.

So we waited with great anticipation for the show to get started and I was laughing my dorky I’m-still-in-fifth-grade-and-someone-just-said-“do-it” laugh. I was nervous. I didn’t want weird man junk up in my business. I was afraid that a stray ball might come at me.

What followed was an hour of the goofiest crap I’d ever seen. There were only three guys. Three kind of little, icky looking guys. I don’t know if I can honestly express to you how unbelievably hilarious the whole thing was. They stripped to songs like “Up Where We Belong” and the Top Gun theme song. There was a cowboy number where the “cowboy” lit his wee-wee on fire. I. Kid. You. Not. Let me repeat. The cowboy lit his wee-wee on fire. He also nearly burned the place down after setting fire to the stage. The funniest part was that these guys took it so seriously. And I did end up having unwanted man junk rubbing up on my leg even while turning away saying “Um, no thank you. No thank you. Not interested.” I felt like I was trying to get rid of a mostly naked telemarketer.

Cost of admission… free
Two bottles of Miller Light… on the house
Watching a man light his peter on fire… priceless.

Socialites

Jenelle and I have secretly (ok, not so secretly really) had the dream of being photographed for the social pages of this ridiculous local publication called Splurge!  Yeah, it’s called Splurge!  With an exclamation point and everything.  Nonetheless, the fine magazine has since gone belly up and our dreams subsequently shattered.  But we still hope to grace the social pages somewhere.

So it should come as no surprise that we aspiring socialites attended an American Cancer Society benefit earlier this year (complete with silent auction, awful Brighton and Kathy Van Zeland – aka “that Kathy bitch” as I once mistakenly called her in a serious discussion with Jill about quality handbags – purses all over the room and some of the biggest hair in Wichita).  The best part of that event was that Jenelle won a makeover package at a local salon.  And the margaritas out of a giant cooler.  And did I mention that we talked shop with Kayne Gillespie of Project Runway fame?  Yeah, we know how to do it up here in the ‘Ta.

Then this week I happened upon two free tickets to the preview party for the Junior League of Wichita’s Holiday Galleria.  Which, obviously, is like the cream of the crop of Wichita Socialites.  So it should come as no surprise that Jenelle and I were there with bells on.  And have I ever been one to turn down free champagne and hors d’ouvers?  Absolutely never.

The highlight of the evening was Jenelle, who was full of comedic delight.  As I was browsing a silent auction table a little longer than she would have liked, she said, “Hurry up, bitch.”  I looked at her in shock.  “We’re Paris and Nicole tonight, remember?” she reminded me.  I just about died laughing.  There was also the woman who sat at a table with us and didn’t waste time to lean over and mention with great sincerity that her husband was on the city council.  And then there was the chair massage that I took full advantage of, no matter how unladylike it looks to be straddling a weird massage chair when trying to win your way into the hearts of Wichita’s elite.  And then there were the coupons – oh the coupons! – because no matter how much of a socialite you are, you can always use 20% off at the local beauty boutique.

I’ve SOOO Got the Right Stuff

Yesterday, Erin posted about being a party starter.  I have a party starting story for y’all too – but first you must get a little background…

So back in the day (roughly 1989-1991), I was like the number one New Kids on the Block fan (yeah, you might think you were number one, but I’m sorry to break it to you – I was).  I LOOOOVED them.  I loved me some Joey Joe (who was born on December 31st, was one of eight children and grew up in an area of Boston called Jamaica Plain… also, he loves Mexican food) and Jordan and Donnie and Danny and Jon, who later went on to a fruitful career in real estate and, as you may recall, had a Shar Pei named Nikko that he took on tour with them.  I know – I’m so outta control with the NKOTB trivia (most of which can be attributed to the riveting literary classic New Kids on the Block – Their Lives and Loves by Grace Catalano). 

My New Kids love had an odd resurgence in eighth grade when I decided that they should be the object of my affection once again.  So I busted out my NKOTB scrapbook and old issues of Bop and Tiger Beat and my New Kids pillow and towel and water bottle and all of their home videos.  I even started listening to their tapes (yeah – TAPES) on constant rotation.  And then, as though I had some sort of cosmic connection with those cuties from Beantown, they attempted a comeback, like, a month later.  I KID YOU NOT!  You may recall their comeback single – “Dirty Dawg.”  So I was pretty clearly established at this point as their number one fan.  They came to San Francisco to play at the Trucadero for their comeback tour.  Jon was curiously absent.  Possibly closing escrow on one of his properties.  But I was there.  It was standing room only and my mom and my friend Amy and I were so close that we could have possibly been sweated on.  Girls were crying and fainting and being carried out of the place by big security guys.  It was amazing.

But life goes on and so did the nineties and the boy band was replaced by grunge and alternative and NKOTB was all but forgotten by me. 

Until senior year. 

Continue reading ‘I’ve SOOO Got the Right Stuff’

Confession

Since the murder mystery party this past weekend where I convincingly played the role of slutty Paula Muscles, aerobics instructor and adulterer, I have begun cutting the neckline and sleeves of many a t-shirt. I’m bringing Flashdance back, people. And it’s HOT.

This One’s For Kerry

SEVEN PRONGS?!

I listened to your voice mail and laughed hysterically for, like, 10 minutes.

Love you, Ker!!!!